Dark Lyrics


1. Premature Intoxication

2. Welcome To The Show

[Lyrics: Key, Kersey - Music: Key, Kersey, Rzemyk]

What's up bitches?
I like to yell things into the microphone
And say bad words - monkeyfucker!
You know where you're at right now?
Take a wild guess.
You're at a concert
You're at show.

This is a concert.
This is a show.

Live shows are heavy
Concerts are heavy

Start up a moshpit
Mosh pits are badass
Start up a moshpit
Go fuck some shit up
Makes some fucking noise!
Let me see those horns
Show me your middle fingers
Now get your keys in the air
Now Fucking jingle those keys.
Put your keys away.
And Give your neighbor hug.

You're at a concert!
Concerts are badass!
You're at a live show!
Live shows are bad, Fuckin', ASS!

3. Sadface :[

[Lyrics: Key, Kersey - Music: Key, Kersey]

I read the other day that Bob was sad because his girlfriend was talking to her ex when she found that he had sex with his ex wife that ruined his life by making post about the time he cheated on her with his old boss now he's single, and unemployed and he said his life is completely destroyed AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT

Sally made a post about eating a chocolate lasagna pizza
which she eats every time she feels alone and I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
Then Sam replied that he's there for her and she can come over to dry her tears
I know that he's plotting to get her drunk and I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!

Hey you, what do you read? Something negative or something bleak?
Your digital confessions of depression are an obsession
The lack of your discretion leads to my increased aggression
You make me wanna punch you right in the face... book.

Sadface emoticon
I'm formatting my social life and you don't belong.
No more attention for the shit that don't matter
I'm apathetic towards your blubbering blather

John just made a post proclaiming he's hasn't eaten since noon today
A burger and fries sound really good and I DON'T GIVE A SHIT
And Jack replied like "Dude, next time won't you ASK if you want me to get you something"
Then Lisa said you shouldn't eat meat AND I THINK I'M GONNA

I don't give a shit, shut up.

All that I ever wanted
Was to reach out to my friends
Instead I'm drowning in sea of
Bitching, whining, moaning and
Complaining about the weather BLOCK
Fighting with your lover BLOCK
Griping about the government BLOCK
Preaching about the environment BLOCK
I hate my parents... BLOCK
I lost my wallet... BLOCK
I'm totally bored... BLOCK
I feel so... BLOCK
But... BLOCK
Please... BLOCK

Awwww, did I hurt your feelings? Oh well, I guess I'll never know.

I've put up with the dramathon for way too long. YOU'RE GONE
I'll do with away with all the Jerry Springer
By clicking delete using my middle finger

4. Because Boobs

[Lyrics: Kersey, Key - Music: Key, Kersey, Rzemyk]

Boobs should always be in my face
So bring them over to my place
Guys know what it's all about
Victoria, your Secret's out
All bras do is get in the way
So let yo puppies out to play
Squish them boobs all up on me
Hell yeah.

Happy and bouncy and jiggly wiggly
Rounded mounds just leave me all giggly
A couple of supple and simple delights can
Bring out a smile in every straight man

Now I want you to reveal what you've concealed
Lose the bra, so that I can cop a feel. (MAMMARY GLANDS IN DEMAND!)
Glory to boobs, fleshy mountains up high
They're so wonderful they make me want to cry

I wanna grab 'em
I wanna shake 'em
I wanna NOM NOM
I wanna squeeze 'em
I wanna slap em
I wanna punch 'em

Boobs go bouncy when you dance
Worthy of a second glance
Shimmy them ladies to and fro
My happiness begins to show/grow
If I had a room full of boobs
That would be my favorite room
If you think your boobs just get in the way
You are wrong. Boobs are great.

Men with boobs I do not like
Put on a shirt and take a hike
Chicks with boobs are really cool
Especially when they're in a pool
ABC's are all okay
As long as they never go away
Consensual sex is alright with me
I really like your boobs.

Now I want you to reveal what you've concealed
Lose the bra, so that I can cop a feel. (MAMMARY GLANDS IN DEMAND!)
Thy boobs be done 'cuz they're funbags of fun
A golden bosom shining brightly like the sun

Now we all know where this song's about to go
Start your engines, cuz it's time to motorboat

Don't be a jerk, don't you dare put them away
If you did, then I wouldn't see your boobs

There's your boobs
There they are!


5. Intervention For A Good Mood

6. Hate Times 8

[Lyrics: Key, Kersey, Dontre, Rzemyk - Music: Key, Dontre]

[various pointless hateful insults]

Don't you hate when you walk down the street and you see somebody that you hate?
Don't you hate when you wake and you're late and you think of something that you hate
Don't you hate when your mom's gonna bake you a cake and the frosting is grape?
Don't you hate when you're out on a date at the lake and she wants to procreate?

Embrace your hate
Hate tastes great
Hate your hate
Love to hate
Hate times eight

Don't you hate when you can't concentrate while you skate and you can't figure eight?
Don't you hate when you buy real estate with a loan with a high interest rate?
Don't you hate Alexander the Great in a cape as conquers Kuwait?
Don't you hate when you mate's overweight and you're waiting for a chance to masturbate?

Embrace Hate
Hate tastes great
Traslate Hate
Haas ist groB (YA)

Hate long naps
Hate ice caps
Hate romance
Hate wearin' pants
Hate cholesterol
Hate the name Paul
Hate no food
Hate youtube

Don't you hate sunny days when the weather is great and there's nothing to hate.
Don't you hate when you paid for a crate full of bait and you dislike fishing?

Great dislike.
Hate your bike.
Hate flying kites.
Hate snake bites.

Hate flying snakes
Hate is great.
All my hate.
Hate times eighteen!

6. Six Pounds Of Terror


7. It's Just A Movie, Stupid

[Lyrics: Key, Kersey - Music: Key, Kersey, Rzemyk]

She was all alone in this imperfect world
And was very, very lonely
Nobody really understood just how she felt
Till one day she slipped on a banana peel

Then there he was, he picked her up
And asked her, "Hey, are you okay?"
He was tall and dark, and strong and kind,
And sensitive with washboard abs, and it was


Knights in shining armor haven't been around since the middle ages
No one will love you till you've gotten through all your depression stages

Pull your head out of your ass, and go hit the stairmaster
Learn to paint, or take some yoga, 'cuz your
Life is not a complete disaster.

He's been friends with her since they were five
But she's in love with some other guy
He tried to get her to feel the same way about him
But she hasn't come around yet

Her boyfriend then cheated on her with
A cheerleader and seventeen strippers
Her best friend said she's too good for him.
What she needs is probably right in front of her

She began to think 'bout the guy who was always there for her
And realized they were meant for each other
She looked for him, but his car broke down
So he's all alone walking in the rain
She runs after him, as she called his name, and it was


Five bucks says that she totally wouldn't taken back the guy that cheated on her

The notion of him ever getting out of the friend-zone is absurd
Pull your head out of your ass, get a life or something
Make some friends, and chase your dreams, 'cuz you
Won't get chicks with your low self esteem.

She walked into a party looking beautiful
He couldn't look away
There eyes met, and it was love at first


Romeo and Juliet is a fairy tale and nothing more.
You've gotta go around and date a bunch of duds before you finally score
Pull your head out of your ass
There's no perfect soulmate
Let it go, 'cuz movies are just a
Place to go on an average date.

Pull your head out of your ass
Embrace the disappointment
Pull your head out of your ass
'Cuz that movie romance is all bullshit.

8. Political Bum

I was taking a walk during my lunch break, and came across a man in a dirty brown jacket covered with many political bumper stickers that had contradicting slogans. He looked me right in the eye, and then he said:

Keep it down, the FBI is watching me
They bugged my lunchbox because I know their filthy schemes
They're going door to door and taking everybody's jobs
The CIA gave me LSD

Political bum, Political bum
He's got his opinions and a bottle of rum.
He used to be a hippie now he lives on the streets
Striking up debates with everyone that he meets.

Political bum

I tried to get away, but he followed me, holding up his sign that said, "Will eat for food." My avoidance seemed to fuel his passion, and I braced myself for another barrage of confusing rhetoric.

I lost my balls to a bomb in Koreatnam
They have sex tape Kim Jon Ill and Uncle Sam
Mountain Dew is a fundamental human right
You sank my partisanship

The sun was beginning to set at this point, and I could tell that he was just getting warmed up. Insane or not, you had to admire his dedication to his ideals. Whatever they are.

Tinfoil helmet is protecting my brain waves
The DMV is run by alien sex slaves
911 was an upside job
Somebody kill the fucking whales

Republican or Democrat, you can't really tell
But your eyes start to water when you notice the smell

You won't never get me back on a plane
I caught herpes from the TSA
JFK shot Abraham Lincoln
Somebody give me some change

I see him on the corner almost everyday
I think he takes his showers at the YMCA

9. That Guy

[That Guy:] Hey, you're "Beer Is Good", right?

[Rob:] Heh. Well, actually, my name is Rob-

[That Guy:] Hell yeah, beer is good man! I love that there beer song, but- Hey! Come on man, sing it for me! Right now!

[Rob:] What? N-no, not here... I-I-

[That Guy:] Oh, come on man! Come on, sing it for me! You know the words! "Beer is good, beer is good, beer is good!"

[Rob:] ...and stuff...

[That Guy:] Whoo! Yeah! Hell yeah, beer is good, man! Hey man, I'll tell you what, I'm a bit of a beer connoisseur myself! What kind of beers you like?

[Rob:] Well, um, I like imports... uh, darker beers like Killian's, Newcastle-

[That Guy:] Well, I ain't never done heard of any of those beers, but I tell you what, I really like the, uh, Natty Light, the Keystone, the, uh, Milwaukee's Best... say, you ever heard of PBR?

[Rob:] ...yeah, I have.

[That Guy:] Yeah, man, I dunno what it stands 'fer, I just know that that's what I've always called it. But I tell you, this one time, I was drinkin' some of that there PBR while cuttin' the lawn, and there was this damn tree I kept runnin' over with the damn tractor! Well, that damn tractor kept stallin' on me and I didn't see a dent on it... 'course on the count that I was so drunk so the next time it went out on me, I stuck my hand up in that sum'bitch anyways, and before I knew it - WHAM! I lost my damn fingers! Well, I was so drunk and frunk from drinkin' nothing but the damn PBR, so I just kept mowin' that damn tree trunk. 'Bout twenty minutes later, this guy came up...

11. Methane Crescendo

[Lyrics: Key - Music: Key]

Alright, who did? Who did it? ADMIT IT.
Admit to your transgression a guilty conscience needs confession.
Don't dare deny it. Don't hide it. Don't fight it.
Denied abominations will lead to investigations.

You gotta take responsibility for your flatulence, for your gas.
You gotta be accountable for silent death that you're unleashing, for all the products of your ass...

Oh, God!

It's the wraith of the burrito!
Roll down the window!
A methane crescendo!

Alright, that does it. That does it. WHO WAS IT?
We'll find the guilty party who's been doing all the farting
Somebody's lying! You're lying. He's lying!
We'll beat the truth out of you for the suffering we've gone through.

It's the wraith of a taco!
Roll down the window!
Or maybe the nachos

The gas is building up. It's reaching lethal doses.
We all will soon be found, dead holding our noses.
OH GOD! It's smells like death in here!
The time for truth is near because

He that smelt it dealt it.
He that sniffs it gives it.
He who denied it supplied it

What do you mean? It wasn't me. IT WASN'T!

Oh, maybe it was.


12. My Clingy Girlfriend

[Lyrics: Kersey, Key - Music: Key, Kersey, Rzemyk]

I met her one day at the grocery store
She had a jar of pickles and ingredients for smores
I said to her smores are sweet but I'm sweeter
She laughed and said "Sure you are, make me a believer"
Oh smores.

I met her later for a cup of coffee
Something strange about the way she looked at me
I took her hand, pulled her close, then I kissed her
"Don't ever leave me" she said in a creepy whisper.
Oh shit.

My new clingy girlfriend... loves to text me all night
My clingy girlfriend is jealous of all kinds of
Women, my friends, my dog my Xbox
All of the above gotta be second to my clingy girlfriend.

A year goes by, and she moves in with me
My man cave is now pink and there are tampons under the sink
I had a drum set I played but she pawned it
At her friends wedding, she reached for the bouquet and she caught it

She spends her time looking at wedding dresses
Rings and cakes and flowers YEAH, she's kindof obsessed
I think it's time to consider other options
Cuz I suspect that she's poking holes in the condoms.
Need proof.

I made her a cupcake to soften the blow when
I told her "I'm not ready for this level of commitment"
She grabbed for a fork then stabbed me in the arm and
began to pull my hair out while expressing her resentment

And then she told me she would murder my whole family, my coworkers and the girl who took my order that day at Wendy's then she set the house on fire, and ran screaming right outside and I felt guilty as the flames reflected off her teary eyes.

So I took her back and now she won't let me have my car or my dog or my beer or my porn, my bathroom, my guitar, my pool table, my camera. my iPhone, my website, my Macbook Pro or my iPad my vitamins or my coffee maker the internet or my waffle iron my tools my washer dryer combo riding lawnmower my fuel filter or my PS3, or my sousaphone or my fishing pole or my life.

13. The Root Of All Evil

[Lyrics: Key - Music: Key]

Dentist, going to the dentist and it's gonna SUCK.

Sitting in the waiting room
Waiting for my turn to sit on the throne of pain.
While filling out various legal documents
All starting to look the same.
My insurance information and my medical history
I don't know if they want me to

"Excuse me, did you have any questions about the form?"

YES. As a matter of fact I do.
Do I feel out this part here too?

"No, don't worry about that, we fill that part out. If you're ready the doctor will see you now."

"Hello, I'm Dr. Taylor. How are you today?"


"That's great! What we're gonna do is take a few x-rays then we'll see what we need to take care of, okay?"

Sit back regret how it all has come to this
I know that I should have been brushing
All that plaque was having a party
I've been dreading this exact moment
Open wide, the fun begins now she's
Putting a buncha shit in my mouth
Now I'm feeling

Pain, suck, sucking pain, that sucks.
Poking and prodding and pressing and probing and
pulling all feels utterly violating

Suck, pain. Painful suck. That hurts.
Drilling and filling and digging and yanking and
Scraping is something I think is unnerving

Smooth jazz adds to my misery, easy listening while they are raping my poor teeth
I lost a fight to tooth decay, tooth extraction Feels like they're digging out my brains

This is not the oral care I prefer!
I've got a bunch of cavities to fill before another tooth falls out
Lie helpless and let them dig out the nerve
I need another shot of Novocain to numb it while my teeth get plowed

14. Numbers (I Can Only Count To Four)

[Lyrics: Key, Jimmy Grant]

One, two, five, four, me count so poor. (gonna count, gonna count, gonna count now)

One, I can count to one.
Two, I can count to two.
Three, I can count to three.
Four, I can't count no more.

One, what comes after one?
Two. What comes after two?
Three. What comes after three?

I can only count to four.

One, two, nine, ten.
Lost count again. (gonna, count, gonna count, gonna count now).

The numbers have all beaten you.
You never made it through middle school.
Your edu-ma-cation failed your mind.
Now the numbers have left your brain behind.

You can only count to four.
We can only count to four.
Math and numbers
Lots of numbers

15. Duh, Of Course We Did Outakes!

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